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Revision Case

James Goggans

Trident University

Instructor: Dr. Maria Luque

MHS504 Scholarly Writing in the Health Sciences

15 May 2022


Revision

Subject, Audience, Purpose

The subject of the project is infertility, and the most important thing I want to say is that infertility is a serious health care issue that affects significant populations. The subject was written for various stakeholders who may benefit from insightful information about infertility’s causes, effects, and treatment. One of the stakeholders is infertility patients, who may want to understand where their infertility stems from and how it could be treated. The paper is also written to society challenged to embrace infertile people and stop subjecting them to distress. Healthcare providers may also learn about patients’ perspectives and how they can be sensitive to patient needs as they administer treatment. Lastly, policymakers need to formulate healthcare policies that ease infertility treatment and break existing structural barriers to treatment.

The paper is based on the assumption that readers already know that infertility exists and may only be interested in learning its causes and effects. Since infertility alone is not enough, stakeholders need to understand where the issue stems from, the results of infertility, treatment effectiveness, and barriers. The subject is worth writing about because while it has existed for a very long time, many people are still affected by infertility. Readers will also find insightful information from the piece, making it worth a read.

There is no precise verb that explains what the paper is doing, which necessitated the need to create a thesis statement that will tell the reader what the paper is about. A clear verb tells the reader what the report will do, such as discussing, analyzing, comparing, or establishing. Apart from the thesis statement, the first paragraph also fails to capture how stakeholders benefit from the paper. Therefore, the final draft of the project will address the missing information.

Organization

There are about nine clear points on the significance, causes, effects, and treatment of infertility. The paragraphs for each point ranged from one to three paragraphs. I followed this order because I found it easy to follow up on the reading, making more sense. For example, in the first paragraph, understanding that it is a significant problem encourages readers to continue reading the paper. Also, the order from introduction to causes, effects, and treatment is a form of a natural order that readers relate with more. For example, after introducing the topic, it is important to discuss the causes of infertility first before proceeding to the effects and treatment. It would be absurd to start with treatment first and go to causes.

Paragraphing

The first paragraph is the introductory paragraph which introduces the topics and discusses the significance and relevance of the topic. The paragraph gives a direction to the subsequent paragraphs and flows smoothly. The topic idea is that infertility is a serious health issue and the topic sentence is clear. The paragraph holds together well, and while the sentences have different lengths, they have clear transitions and communicate the same idea.

Regarding relating to other paragraphs, the second paragraph does not show a clear relationship with the third paragraph, as it identifies one cause of infertility independently. The third paragraph talks about risk factors among women that increase their vulnerability to infertility but do not show transition to other paragraphs. The same applies to the remaining paragraphs with clear topic sentences but do not show the growth from previous paragraphs to other paragraphs.

Each paragraph is made up of a different number of sentences, ranging from four to ten sentences. For example, the first five paragraphs have seven, four, six, five, and seven sentences. All the sentences hold together well, and I believe each paragraph’s illustrations, examples, and details are the best. It is also notable that I would need more transition for most paragraphs and avoid independence of ideas. It is also clear that on the effects of infertility, there is a need to give statistical data that will help build on the findings of the causes, effects, and treatment of infertility.

Sentences

Many sentences have been developed to communicate ideas. I like the third last statement under summary and conclusions, which says, “There are several treatment options, including medications and the technology-assisted reproductive process.” I love the statement because it gives hope to infertile patients. The idea that I like the least is the first sentence of the last paragraph under the effects of infertility, “reports indicate that infertility is a silent struggle.” It is disheartening that society does not embrace infertility, forcing infertile men to suffer silently, yet they can seek help and support from family, friends, and other society members. The sentences communicate clearly, and no words should be substituted. The second sentence in the first paragraph is quite long and can be divided into two, and no adjectives or adverbs can be substituted or replaced.

Things to Check last

After going through the final draft, there are minor spelling and punctuation errors that I worked on. I like how the paper ends because it gives clear recommendations on how the issue of infertility can be addressed in society. I feel like I kept the promise I gave the readers in the first paragraph and went further to provide recommendations on how the current status can be improved. What I like best about this paper because I addressed three sections comprehensively and captured important and valuable details. However, the paper was relatively short and failed to capture some of the most important information that would help decision-making. There was also limited statistical evidence that lowered the project’s overall rigor and quality.

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